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3:59pm on Saturday, 20th May, 2017:

Sainsbury's Vignette


I'm trapped inside marking CE317 assignments today, wondering how the people who work at the university full-time manage to pack in all the things they're required to do at short deadlines. I was let out to go to Sainsbury's for the weekly shop, though, so here are some of things I noticed while pushing around my trolley.

Some guy about my age was wearing a T-shirt reading "Kill the Kardashians". If he'd tweeted that, he'd be in prison.

There's a red pen tax. If you want to buy a red pen, you have to buy pens of other colours with it. None of the packages containing red pens have only red pens in there. I now have yet another blue pen and yet another black pen just so I can do my marking properly with the red pen.

A woman had a bag with a picture of a giraffe on it. The next of the giraffe formed the handle of the bag. It looked pretty good, but if you tried picking up a real giraffe by its neck I don't think it would hold.

If you give a nine-year-old buy control of your shopping trolley, you have no right to complain when people ram it because he's straddling an entire aisle with it and won't move it when asked. No, it wasn't me doing the ramming.

A woman was wearing pink, fluffy, mule-style slippers. I expect that kind of thing in ASDA, but Sainsbury's? She can't have driven there in them, surely, it's against the law. Fortunately, the rain held off for her.

A man put on a pair of blue, woolly gloves to pick up a 9-pack of toilet rolls.

Well how about that? You don't have to squeeze every single baguette from the same batch to see which one warmest. You can squeeze all but one of them and then glare when I grab the one you haven't pawed yet before you can get to it.

Crème Eggs are now 30p each. I didn't buy any: there's no point after what they did to the recipe.

You're supposed to put things into the "Food Distribution Point" bin, old people, not rummage through and take out anything you fancy to add to your already-full bags.

When carrying a plant pot containing flowering daisies, look where you're going, not at the flowers. That way, you won't walk into an abandoned shopping trolley and drop them in it.

The algorithm that decides what coupons to offer me upon checkout still thinks we have my daughter's soya-milk-loving friend staying with us from several weeks ago. I didn't even know Alpro made ice cream.

The owner of the open-top yellow Austin Seven out in the car park was also lucky that the rain held off.

So that was Sainsbury's today. Now to wield my new red pen some more.

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Copyright © 2017 Richard Bartle (richard@mud.co.uk).