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1:26pm on Tuesday, 14th April, 2009:



I was trapped for 15 minutes last night — trapped by my own trousers.

I was about to go to bed, and, as is my wont, went to the toilet beforehand. Only, I couldn't go because the zip on my fly wouldn't come down. It wouldn't come down because it had some of my shirt caught in it — but not just any bit, oh no: it had the seam from the bottom of the shirt bunging up its mechanism. It was completely immobile.

It was also completely inaccessible, because it wouldn't go down far enough that I could get my fingers behind it. Gawd knows how it got like that, but it just wouldn't shift. I tried a pair of pliers on it, to no effect. All the while, the call of nature was becoming more and more urgent, but I couldn't do anything to free myself. I tried pulling on my shirt, on the zip, on the trousers — all to no avail.

I started to get desperate. I quite like the shirt, but was prepared to cut it if that would free me; unfortunately, cutting the shirt wouldn't have had much of an effect on the piece blocking the zip up. I would have to cut the trousers.

That wasn't going to be easy, though. I was wearing thick, black denim of a kind that laughs in the face of scissors. I would have to use a modelling knife with a surgical blade of exactly the kind of sharpness I do not want near my genitals. Still, I have such implements. Maybe if I cut the stitching holding the zip to the rest of the fly, that would work?

By this time, I was becoming so desperate that I found myself in sudden possession of inhuman strength — the kind that madmen who need six police officers to hold them down exhibit. I managed to get some movement in the zip — only slight, but sufficient to enable me to get a hand down to pull at the shirt. By a process of crazed tugging and sliding, I slowly managed to prise the shirt out of the teeth of the zip, then out of the fastener itself. Finally, I was released.

Damn my wife's secret experiments on male chastity belts! It was our 24th wedding anniversary yesterday, too.

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Copyright © 2009 Richard Bartle (richard@mud.co.uk).