The everyday blog of Richard Bartle.

8:40am on Monday, 18th April, 2005:

Political Differences


To help you decide how to vote in the forthcoming general election, here are some of the policy differences between the main political parties in Britain:

On the NHS:
Liberal Democrats: "We're going to give healthcare professionals lots of money to spend as they see fit."
Labour: "We're going to give healthcare professionals lots of money to spend as we see fit."
Conservatives: "We're not going to give healthcare professionals money."

On identity cards:
Labour: "We want to know who you are."
Conservatives: "We want to know who everyone else is."
Liberal Democrats: "We don't care who anybody is. They're not going to vote for us anyway."

On postal voting:
Labour: "The postal voting system does not need reforming."
Conservatives: "The postal voting system does need reforming."
Liberal Democrats: "The entire electoral system needs reforming."

On crime:
Liberal Democrats: "We'll put 10,000 new police officers on the beat."
Conservatives: "We'll see your 10,000 and raise you another 5,000."
Labour: "We'll put 10,000 new police officers on the beat but take another 10,000 off the beat to adminstrate them."

On Europe:
Liberal Democrats: "In."
Conservatives: "Out."
Labour: "Shake it all about."

On immigration:
Liberal Democrats: "The more the merrier! Come on in, everybody! We can take another 100 million before we're full!"
Labour: "Britain will only accept those immigrants who can sneak into the country undetected."
Conservatives: "Some of these people marry their own cousins. Did you know that?"

On tax:
Liberal Democrats: "We'll tax Conservative voters."
Conservatives: "We'll tax Labour voters."
Labour: "We'll tax Liberal Democrat voters. We'll also tax everyone else, but they won't realise until it's too late."

On Iraq:
Labour: "Iraq is a better place because of the invasion."
Conservatives: "Britain is a better place because of the invasion."
Liberal Democrats: "The entire world is a worse place because of the invasion. Oh my god, we're all going to die!"

On education:
Labour: "Everyone should have a degree. That's £3,000, please."
Liberal Democrats: "Everyone should have a degree for free. Here, take one. Take two. Yes, they're free, I said."
Conservatives: "Only clever people should have a degree. Oh, and rich people."

On Northern Ireland:
Liberal Democrats: "Sinn Fein are democratically elected politicians."
Labour: "Sinn Fein are a bunch of terrorists."
Conservatives: "Sinn Fein are a bunch of terrorists, but they're British terrorists."

Finally, how to separate the policies of those single-issue minor parties:
UK Independents: "Because your votes are ignored."
Greens: "Because the votes of trees are ignored."
Respect: "Because the votes of Moslems are ignored."
Veritas: "Because the votes of Moslems damned well should be ignored. Their own cousins!"
Plaid Cymru: "Lla meht nrub. Meht nrub. Hsilgne eht nrub."
Scottish Nationalists: "Because running one country isn't enough."
Sinn Fein: "Because we have guns and high explosives."
Democratic Unionists: "Because you will suffer the pain and TORMENT OF HELL!"
Monster Raving Loonies: "Because you're worth it."

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Copyright © 2005 Richard Bartle (richard@mud.co.uk).