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8:26am on Friday, 18th May, 2012:



When it comes to the relationship between calorific intake and weight increase, my views are like those of climate change deniers: the scientists all say the same thing, but it's too horrific to contemplate so I choose to ignore it. As a result, despite having lost weight following my serious dental work three weeks ago, I'm now scoffing away as normal and suffering what these "scientists" tell me is a natural consequence.

Last night, we went out to a restaurant and I attacked the menu with vigour. As it happened, I wound up eating vegetarian stuff because the meat-bearing dishes either bore meats I didn't like (fish, chicken), non-meats I didn't like (mushrooms, dill) or were steeped in alcohol. It's an established scientific fact that vegetarian food has zero calories because it has zero taste, so I knew I was accruing health benefits from eating it. As it happened, the vegetarian haggis was pretty good (they must make it from the stomach of an artichoke or something), so I was happy to devour the lot.

All was fine until about 2am when I awoke with acid reflux. Being away from home, I didn't have any get-rid-of-acid-reflux tablets, so couldn't lie down flat without risking its return. I had to go back to sleep sitting up in bed. As a consequence, I didn't get much more sleep, and when I did I awoke with my muscles frozen in weird positions like those people who fall into a peat bog 2,000 years ago and are dug out by modern archaeologists looking all broken.

I blame the rhubarb crème brulée.

Now to save myself a £5 Internet connection fee by setting up my phone as a wireless hotspot so I can upload this.

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Copyright © 2012 Richard Bartle (richard@mud.co.uk).